Friday, April 20, 2012

Home sick

I’m having a really hard time at the moment. Ever since I got back from Rome I have been thinking about home and home for me will always and forever be Brisbane. I’ve been constantly in my head about this and really trying to think what I want and what I should do next. I might just be feeling this way because I miss my man (He is in London for the next few days) but I think it is more than that.

I came to Denmark because I didn’t really know what I wanted my life to be about. I am still unsure for the most part but I know I want a huge part of my life to be about my relationships with my family and my friends. I want to have better relationships with the people I love and I want to be closer to them.

Basically, I can think of a million and one reasons to go home but I can only think of one reason to stay here in Denmark: I want to learn Danish!. I hate myself for doing this to myself but I am mentally not here in Copenhagen anymore. I want to want to stay here and make it work but ultimately I don’t think I can enjoy being here much longer when I know all the comfort and love I ever need in my life is in Brisbane.

I know this is a decision I have to make for myself. I just don’t want to end up regretting it – I think I am also secretly afraid that people will judge me for giving up so easily. The Viking in me wants to stay and prove to myself I can do it, but that wimpy fucking goddess in me says “follow your heart” … and my heart is in Brisbane. FUCK.

I’ve thought a little about what (if anything) I will do differently if and when I get back to Brisbane and to tell you the truth, I don’t think a lot will change. And that I am worried about. I don’t want to be home for 3 months and think to myself ‘I should have tried harder to stay in Denmark’.

Sometimes it just takes extracting yourself from your usual influences to discover what it is that really matters to you. Fuck, that was expensive.

I still haven’t made up my mind.